On loving god in suffering

How can you keep believing in God when he’s allowed so much suffering in your life? I’ve been asked this question a lot. 

When I was first diagnosed with stage four cancer, I went dark for a few days. But, after a few days, days that were filled with so much love & compassion & prayer from sweet friends speaking life into this seemingly hopeless situation, I crawled out from the dark. 

But, as soon as I poked my head out of the hole, I realized I had some decisions to make. Not only would I need to decide what type of treatment I would seek & where we would go, but I had to decide how I was going to battle this journey and who I was and what I believed and how I was going to live in the midst of this. I also had to decide if I was going to let God be a part of my battle or if I was going to jump ship from this “Christian thing” because God wasn’t turning out to be so good or kind.

In my head I knew that I should expect trouble in this world, but when I was diagnosed with cancer, my heart said otherwise. I realized I expected comfort and when I didn’t experience that comfort, I freaked a little. And here’s the assumption I discovered I believed: If my life isn’t turning out as I planned, then God must be evil.

Prior to cancer I’d never experienced deep, prolonged suffering in my life. Of course I’d suffered and been broken hearted, but not nearly as broken as cancer left me. And to be clear, it wasn’t necessarily the cancer cells themselves that broke me & caused me to declare that we were in a state of suffering. 

It may have been the gut-punch news of a stage four cancer diagnosis with two little girls, 1 & 3 at the time, and a sweet husband I desperately wanted to grow old with. 

It may have been that one month into my cancer fight my marriage felt like it was crumbling and we couldn’t afford marriage counseling. In fact, because we moved across the country to seek treatment, we hardly knew anyone who could even recommend a decent counselor, let alone pay for one in Southern California. 

It may have been the immediate firing of me as a stay at home mom and prompt rehiring of me as a cancer patient; a sick, weak cancer patient who hardly had enough energy to feed herself at times. A cancer patient who had to make the conscious effort to shove food in her mouth, no matter how sick it made her, so she could survive and eventually resume raising those little girls she loved more than life.

It may have been the loss of my cancer bestie and what that did to my confidence and level of guilt I’d already been processing.

It may have been the first (or the second) time we were denied any amount of financial support by our health coverage. Fighting for your life can be confusing when you’ve already incurred over $200,000 of debt in medical bills for your family who has already sacrificed so much. 

It may have been the chest catheter I had to endure for months that finally got infected, causing severe pain & panic (or maybe it was the doctor who refused to admit it was infected because he would’ve looked bad).

It may have been the combination of all of these events that left me feeling more broken than I ever have before. But amidst the pain, I made a decision. A decision I wasn’t completely confident making at the time, but a decision that changed everything for me.

I decided I was going to trust in the God that has been faithful to me up until this point. And it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

But, if you’re struggling right now, wondering how you’re going to make it through the next few minutes with the burden you’re carrying, I want you to know, I didn’t make the decision to trust in God because I’m a superhuman or super Christian.

I didn’t make this decision because I’m ignorant or live in a fantasy world. I didn’t make the decision and then float along this cancer journey pain-free. It’s a decision I (still) have to choose everyday and if you’re wondering how I could continue to trust in a God who doesn’t immediately relieve us of suffering when we ask, here’s what I’ve discovered along this journey of trusting God in my pain...

The victory is Already Won

The theme of my cancer journey is “the victory is already won.” (Shoutout to those of you who wear our tees proudly!) Despite what is happening in my life, I can have peace, trusting that the outcome is going to be more than ok because Jesus has already won the victory over suffering & death. Even if my suffering brings death, I’m going to be okay because he’s provided the ultimate retreat from suffering #heaven.

Pause. This is the oversimplified version of how we can trust God even when times are hard. If you’re not in a place where you can confidently say “I’m good with dying,” don’t be discouraged (in fact, send me a message, I’d love to chat about this). Like I said earlier, I’m not superhuman or super Christian, I’m actually a sinner, but that's okay because I’m still going to heaven because Jesus paid the price for my sin (and yours too). 

Although we may lose the battle (to cancer, in our marriage, to miscarriage, ___ fill in your battle), the war has already been won because of God’s love for us. So no matter what devastating news I receive in this life, I can have hope & complete peace knowing there is not only a better life, but a perfect life waiting for me on the other side of this one because of Jesus’ sacrifice for me.

I know it feels trippy to let go of life here on earth and set our sights on the afterlife, but this is the only true hope we have. We can’t predict our outcome, but we can trust that it’ll be better than expected because the victory has already been won.

Okay, that was heavy, let’s talk about what this looks like practically speaking…

This Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Feel What I’m Feeling

That was truly the oversimplified version of how we can still have hope in the darkness, but don’t walk away from that thinking there’s no room for complicated feelings and for the heaviness of being a broken hearted human. God is the God who can handle our feelings and questions, in fact, he welcomes them. He created us with feelings and knows that because we can’t always see the big picture of our broken life on earth, we will have some big feelings about that.

So here’s the deal: Feel what you’re feeling. To deny our feelings would rob us (& others) of the gift of being human. But, let’s not allow our feelings to be the only voice in our lives. We also need to fill our feeling-filled hearts with the truth of God’s word that offers us hope & truth & insight into every situation. To allow our feelings to dictate our situation would rob us of healing, renewed perspective, comfort and so much more that is offered to us when we read the Bible and fill ourselves with truths about God’s love & hope. 

The Pain God Is Allowing In My Life Is Actually For My Good

I realize at this point you may have a strong urge to stop reading and toss your phone across the room. But, hear me out. I mean it when I say the pain that God has allowed is truly for my (our) good. 

I’m beginning to recognize how necessary it was for suffering of this size & severity to take place in order for me to make necessary changes in my life and gain a new perspective I otherwise wouldn't have. 

If you’ve just been given a scary diagnosis or lost someone you loved with your whole being or something along those heartbreaking lines, please know that because of the terrible suffering I’ve faced I am a stronger, more compassionate & resilient person than I was before (and you will be too). And if we’re being honest, it’s hard to argue that God is evil when these are the result of my suffering. 

God is using the pain of this journey to give me more abundant life. What I thought was going to be the worst season of my life has become the most fruitful and joyful season of my life and I’ve learned that just on the other side of suffering is joy & blessing.

I love this quote from Lysa Terkherst on suffering, “Being lulled into a false sense of security is worse than the process of suffering.” At this point in my cancer journey, I can confidently say I’m grateful that God allowed cancer in my life because without it I would’ve continued to be comfortable with my workaholic tendencies & naturally ungrateful heart & shameful insensitivity to others. I am so grateful for the perspective shift I’ve been served that could only come from deep suffering. 

It’s not as if God’s given me this season & said “good luck, sister.”

God has been with me every step of this journey and provided the only true hope and peace to be found in it. But, if I’m being honest, my tendency when I’m suffering is to binge watch Netflix, or mindlessly scroll social media, or (over) eat my favorite foods. Can I get an amen? 

My tendency when I’m suffering is not to pick up the Bible or talk to God. But, what I’ve found is that the only true comfort available is through God; finding God and gaining a deep understanding of his goodness through spending time with him in prayer & reading what he says about us in the Bible & asking other Christians hard questions.

I love what my girl Lysa says in her book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way about comfort. She says ”Comfort is not a solution we should seek, but instead is a byproduct of the time we spend with God.” Let me get an even louder amen.

Mmmmk let’s wrap up this light discussion. 

I want to leave you with something I started doing when another (and another and another) opportunity to suffer landed on my doorstep (despite the ‘no loitering’ sign on the door).

I truly believe peace is a perspective shift away, even in the midst of suffering. Therefore, I’ve started declaring anytime of suffering a holy time; a sweet time to learn more about who God is and how much he loves me. Declaring any time of pain a sacred time, no matter how dark the season or how the prognosis looks, a precious, holy time of utterly raw reliance on God.

There’s something sweet about having no other option but to cling to the savior and creator of the world. Life looks different when I recognize that holy, sacred things are happening to me and around me and through people in my life because of the suffering I’m facing.

I pray this brings you peace and clarity into what may seem like a chaotic, hopeless situation. Hold onto hope, knowing that God is not a God of chaos & hopelessness. He’s the only one who can bring life and hope and clarity into suffering. Continue to seek Him, even when it’s hard. I promise you it’s worth it.

P.S. If you’re a video watcher (like me) I’ve also hashed this out in a video highlight in my Instagram account here.